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Renaissance-y.

I wrote these scraps of thought on the go, and as I'm coming back to it, I'm just leaving it as it came out- its simple enough to make sense (mostly I think? Winking).

I wanna be a success story- for others to look to. Here's why I'm pushing through fear, self-imposed boundaries, junk, and overcoming barriers and obstacles to expand my contribution. My favorite quote explains it all in a nutshell (fear of success):



Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson

I had my fortune read for me recently, this summer. It was cool. Tarot cards. I got a hermit card for the one that was "behind" me. Since then I've found some connections to this hermit hiding idea. I have to be honest and say that I have been hiding somewhat, in my house, in my life. That is coming to an end, and it's a strange process. Its awkward and messy at times like learning anything is, but ultimately I'm doin' it... Happy To be vulnerable means to be able to be loved. Without even knowing it, I had built up little walls around things, keeping people and things out. Its insidious. Safe. They were stripped down, and had crept up again! Its been an intense few years, and its understandable that I went into turtle shell protect mode. But its time to peek my head out- the coast is clear.

What this "coming out" of hiding is allowing me to do, primarily, is be there for my core best friends/family. It's really touching for me to get my head out of my ass and see that there are people who actually need me! A huge gift that I did not realize because I was only thinking about things from my own, tunnel-vision perspective. Sad

So the way I see it I have two choices:

1) Old way- hiding (hermit). I drew this quote yesterday at a dinner party: "Nothing is more capable of troubling our reason, and consuming our health, than secret notions of jealousy in solitude." ~ Aphra Behn. I wasn't sure what it meant until my friend pointed out it was the hermit concept. Oh! Man.

2) New way- move forward. Be who I am. Be afraid and do it anyway. Do it BECAUSE I am afraid.

Once you know another way, its pretty much impossible to go back anyway. We still do it, but it really sucks and we feel guilty for doing it. Its worse than not knowing! Ugh. OK, for you non-conceptual thinkers, I know I am losing you. Happy But bear with me!

I have been calling this period my Renaissance. It has been the summer of love, the summer of freedom, summer of facing reality, summer of discovery, summer of the creative and the brave. I can hear the universe whispering to me, saying "it's your time now, child." "Go be your full, rainbow-ific self!" People are being put in my path that support me and my philosophy, and that want to help me. Looking forward to seeing what happens next!


Fear-Redmoon

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place in this world.

For some of us, it is not the easiest thing to find our physical place in this world (important song from my formative years), what feels most like home. For me, it is an amalgam of lots of special, favorite places that I've been or dreamed about. I've discovered that geographic location/environment is an important value of mine, and while I've lived in a variety of places and settings, I certainly haven't thrived in all of them.

My utopian community would currently make up the best combination of: London and small town England, Austin, San Francisco, Portland, lakes and parks of Vermont/Upstate NY, Playa del Carmen, Mexico, Aruba, Costa del Sol, Spain, and New Zealand. Coincidentally these are almost all places I've lived in or spent time traveling to. Laugh I enjoy other cites too: NYC, DC, Philly, Boston etc. but I'm trying to be specific about exactly what calls to me.

I love the history, charm, way of life in England (and the accents!), the live music community, food, and outdoor life in Austin, and its inclusive, active culture of all ages. Among many things, I love San Francisco's vibrancy, hills, healthy food/quality of life, diversity, retro and vintage shopping, public transportation, cool weather, coast, and trees. I like how I can be myself. I spent a good amount of time there in my early twenties visiting my best friend from college and her brother, and didn't get a chance to move there like we had planned.

I love Portland's creative energy, inspiration and walkability. The rolling hills, lakes, and neighborhoods of Vermont and Upstate New York feel like home to me. I hail from the northeast, and that is definitely baked into my soul, with a love of cloudy cooler weather and four seasons, older homes and buildings, and overall aesthetic. Arizona, for example, while I lived there and enjoyed many things about it, did not feel like home to me, just a unique place to visit.

The European presence and friendly, fun vibe in Playa is amazing, the soft Aruba beaches and breeze is the best combination, and Costa del Sol is brimming with tasty food and the Mediterranean laid-back lifestyle. I haven't been to New Zealand yet, but I crave its calm, beautiful, nature and health driven culture.

No doubt as I continue to travel I will find more and more spots to occupy little pieces of my heart (Italy, I'm coming for you Happy)! No place is truly a home without people, and that is an important factor as we get older and close friends and family become scattered about the globe. We make sacrifices with the environment for people sometimes for sure, and for good reason.

We owe it to ourselves to determine where we best fit, where we most come alive and fully express our best selves. Moving and trying different places is part of figuring it out; even by process of elimination, core needs come to the surface about what kind of community we want to be a part of (from the pics I found, clearly food is an important part of my equation ;D)... When do you know you are
home?


GF orange almond cake at Vegetalia's in Spain, May 2005
veg

My friend Ry guy and I eating Dosa in San Francisco this week, August 2014
ry


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