Music

oblique strategies.

Love these cards that Brian Eno and Peter Schmidt designed in 1975 to disrupt conditioned thought processes and spark creativity... This site lets you draw a card any time you need one. http://www.oblicard.com
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oh Carly!

"It's my yearning to love a damaged person. I mean, we're all kind of damaged and it's normal to be damaged, but some people don't like to admit it. It's amazing how many people don't like to admit what's wrong with them. Whether it's depression or having had cancer... And when I met that man I thought, Here's somebody I could love... I just know that what was left of him, which was personality and character and the look in his eyes, meant more to me than any intact body part, and it reminds me of something that somebody used to say to me who was in love with me a long time ago; he said, 'I would love you if you were a stump.'"

Honestly, I know I can relate to that and what we want to hear (that someone else will love us if we are a stump Happy)... can you? And, I love me some Carly Simon!

~ Carly Simon in an interview with Out magazine, October 2008.

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music and lyrics.

And now for something different, some songs I recorded acoustic and rough, with themes of struggle and poignancy. The lyrics to Pompeii have been my anthem lately! I was messing around with filters, and late at night, I found I looked better with some funky effects Winking While you're there you can check out my other vids from this past year as well. Enjoy!

Lean On Me

Pompeii

Titanium

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My sweet kitty Marshall enjoying my fuzzy guitar case Happy
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inbetween days.

After being sick this entire holiday break and quarantined in my pajamas, with one happy exception on Christmas Eve, (my work is closed for the holiday season until after the New Year), I'm back to the grind of purging and sorting.

It is draining, emotional, lonely, wandering through the hallways of the past. It is necessary work. It is also incredibly poignant, fun, and daunting. Feeling the feelings as they come and allowing them to pass through me. The deeper I get, the closer I get to me. This is the cool part. As strange and
in-between a process as this is (I could use a good dose of The Cure right now, the anthem band of nostalgia), I know I am marching towards my most authentic and true self and destiny, and that feels exhilafrightciting, to use a phrase created by someone I used to know. Swimming in the depths of nostalgia, scraps of thought, kind words from loved ones, glimmers of who I want to be, things I want to explore, and old shit, it is like walking the pages of a Choose Your Own Adventure book.

I took a mental break this evening and saw
Dallas Buyers Club, and something Ron Woodroof's character said rang very true for me: "Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting for a life I ain't got time to live." I feel like I am playing catch up so much of the time that I don't get a chance to stop for a minute, catch my breath, and just be in the present. I try to reassure myself with the thought from my doctor that I have indeed been living, all these years, just like everyone else, just doing different things, and learning in different ways. I may not have been out "playing pinball" as he put it, but I was living and learning just the same. That comforts me.

I've connected on a deep level to the HIV and AIDS movement since the early nineties, when I was very ill and could relate to so many of the struggles faced by those afflicted. It's worthy of a separate post sometime, but this raw passion for health, born out of experience and hardcore empathy, is an important chorus that rattles around the chambers of my heart, and physical space, present in books, articles, notes, people, and knowledge. It was a nice reminder to supplement the deep dive explorations I'm doing in my surroundings. A few finds from today:

Consent for treatment, 2002.
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Dreams.
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My very first Apple product, my PowerBook G4, circa 2005, is being laid to rest.
Bon voyage, silver bullet.
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My cute Momma helping me sort
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I've carried this thing around from state to state over the years. Must be I liked what it said...
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je ne sais quoi

When the music changes, so does the dance. ~ African Proverb


Sometimes you just need a little spark. That something, from the world, others, to kick start the next phase of exploration. Things just click into place, after being just out of place for a long time. We all need a reason to get up in the morning. But who actually stops to think about this, or what it might be? I believe in the power of intention, and putting out to the universe what you are looking for at its simplest sense. It's visioning, and it works.

What this spark does is breathe new life back into dormant rooms of life, refreshingly fast sometimes. After a long hiatus from listening to music for example, I am all of sudden wanting to do nothing but listen to music. I have missed it and have been waiting to get here, but needed something to make that leap. These life affirming experiences renew your soul and its purpose here, and flow blood to all the places that needed to wake up and come alive again.

The same concept as writing here- I have been thinking about these things for a long time before they actually come into fruition. They usually need a little push, some change, energy shift to get translated. Can you relate? I know some of you have similar stories Happy


The view from my window this morning

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i always feel like somebody's watching me

This week started off with bang. I was at a local coffee shop this weekend, and a strange guy was not reading his newspaper, and blatantly staring at me instead. I thought maybe he was interested in what was on my screen, so I angled away from him a tad and ignored him. When some people to my left vacated their table, this person and his newspaper quickly got up and moved to their place, and I felt my bag move as he brushed by me. I adjusted it back up on my chair and kept typing.

All of a sudden a patron sitting in front of me jumped up, grabbed the newspaper on the guy's table, and revealed my wallet underneath! He quickly told him to get out. It all happened so fast... exciting I have to say! He had seen him grab it out of my bag when he went by. I'm so grateful to him- I never would have thought twice about it if he hadn't been
watching me! I thanked him on my way out, and he said he didn't think he was after my money, but rather was trying to stalk me. !!!! He had been watching the whole time, watching him watch me, and had even said something to the cafe staff about it. When he threw him out, the barista ran after him. It all caused quite a stir! When I thought it was about money, I laughed it off, and joked about how I didn't have anything for him to steal. This was much more unsettling!

Coincidentally, this kicked off a very lean week financially for me, so I'm seeing how far I can stretch the contents of my fridge and cupboards, by playing
Lynne Rosetto Kasper's game of "what can I make with these 5 ingredients"... wish me luck!

Oh e-cards, so good for a quick cackle...

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the transformation.

Ok, so I’ve told you a tiny bit about me and now I will share what I am up to. While this rainbow world is born out of wanting to document my struggles and triumphs over a twenty-plus year battle with Crohn’s disease, most of my time and thoughts are spent thinking about and doing other things, and I find it all sort of inexorably bound up together, such that I don’t know how I could have a single focus.

Rather, I see it more as a kind of lens which informs the rest of life I am involved in, and thus will share those other aspects here too-- and as the Brits say, you can like it or lump it, or as MJB
sayz, you can hate it or love it... what what!

The latest is trying to get my home organized. Oh boy.

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one more time.

The title of a great Daft Punk song. Propelling me forward through the mountain uncertainty and fear that have built up over the last few months, years.

Food as comfort, as the great satiator (I made this word up), like I can do anything as long as my belly is full --- and fear for how to survive when it is not. Survival instinct really is all it is. Well, mostly what it is.

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coming around again.

The itsy bitsy spider... you’ll have to excuse me, most of the words that flow through my noggin are lyrics from a poignant song by Carly Simon, awash with feelings of familiar family nostalgia, heard so many times growing up, sung by a woman who’s voice and words always seem to ring true. I’m coming around again. Pain as a motivator. But only sort of. There are other motivators too, like the realization tonight that the reason this is the year (2nd year actually) of the nun is because I don’t need to be falling in love with anyone but myself. That is quite enough for one person to handle.

So, that is what I’m going to try to do. I’ve avoided it in one way or another for a very long time. But there is no going around it this time. It just makes me so darn sad, looking at pictures of a fragile yet unbelievably tough girl, feeling for a fleeting moment what others feel for her and see in her, and then quickly shutting that off, heaping up the compliments in the “compliment pile” for later reading, and most importantly, digesting. Why all the self-punishment? Is this the Charlotte Perkins Gilman Protestant guilt or some shit? It has gone on for long enough, that is for sure.

Yes, there is fear, and the fear of having to walk through that fear. And the fear of what is on the other side. But this is my journey after all, only mine, and only I can be the one to walk through it and see what it is all about. I owe it that much. So, here goes. I’m really glad you are here with me, holding my hand.

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