Reflection

honoring space.

Time and space, space and time. It has been a very busy two months, June and July. I love my life- it's the best it's ever been and is as rich and full as I could ever hope for. But I've been doing and going nonstop, and this weekend is the start of one which I will have mostly to myself, with no scheduled events or major to dos. Space.

This blue moon. All kinds of feelings are suddenly coming up for me, and I need space to be able to have my feelings, and feelings to be able to write, so it is a blessing in that way because I'm writing. I am finally writing thank you notes and responses from loved ones when my Grandma passed, and I'm sure that is stirring things up... After a walk this evening at dusk, I was flooded by familiar sounds of high summer, lush greens and the smell of sweat on my skin. It reminded me of staying with her many summers in Maine, NY, in the country, when I would go for walks along the small highway in the evening. Cars whizzing by, trudging through flowers in bloom, black eyed susans, queen anne's lace, dandelions and clovers, passing by the cemetery last before I came back to her cozy trailer where she was always eagerly up waiting (worrying Happy) for me.

Lying in bed in her back bedroom, the most peaceful place on earth to sleep, windows open, listening to the night sounds, feeling the cocoon of a safe and warm place wrapping me in love. I get taken back to this place more than any other when I go to somewhere peaceful in my mind. Memory is so visceral sometimes.

I walked by the hospital tonight where she was admitted so frequently. I just don't really believe she's gone, even thought she left us in my presence. I love her for that. I turned around to get a photo of her parents to lay next to her, to comfort her and help her know who she was going to be with, and when I turned around, she looked right at me, and then off she went.

Maybe tonight was the beginning of grieving. I hope she is having fun right now, baking cookies and playing cards and watching TV. Happy I miss you Grammy. I miss our long chats, and your unconditional, wholehearted, larger than life love. There was nothing else like it. Thank you for making me feel so special. My heart aches for you...


Living Memory
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