Writing

Solstice.

Uprooted.

(Again).

This time, upheaval,
little earthquakes

Hearts on the line.

Downrooted.

Searching

Root down

Find a branch and hang on,

Then another.

Growth can be gnarly
ugly
throbbing.

Aching hearts

Roots down,
uprooted.

Seasons change
Winter turns to spring
(Thank God)

Transition

Wafts through the air
so thick I can’t see

One heavy foot marches
in front of the other

In the tunnel
treading water
until we can breathe again

“Just keep swimming”

We fall,
scar our knees

Brush off and trudge on

Our bodies erupt in strange ways

Spring wounds are tender, oozing, inflamed
raw to the touch

Third eye pulses with hot lava,
recalibrating

I want to stay in bed a while,
forgotten how to rest.

All I ask is to hang on,

a little bit longer

Wait for the truth to settle

To wash over my naked soul
bathed in this cold ocean

Blossoms lie, waiting in the dirt

Cells turnover

Hold on.

Seasons change

Solstice emerges
First a crack, too bright
garish

And then
Blessed light comes

more softly now
it spreads without looking

Things are different out here.

Don’t fear little one

Far away, dry

Vast

Root down.

In the desert I will
find the green

Before a mirage
Hazy,

now a clearing

The longest day on the spinning planet

Relieved to be closer
to the ball of fire in the sky

Face in the sun,
I am shielded from the shadows.

Work
with the struggle
accept what is

League of her own

He caught a
big fish, he said
too slippery, just out of grasp

Love big
or go home
right?

Forge your path
bushwhack as
you must

Tears dry on their own
she croons

Throw yourself into something,
anything

Time is a healer

The panacea of
platitudes

Listen.
Ear to ground.

Bit by agonizing bit, the road clears
One layer of fog
at a time

2.0 Uprising

So much gratitude
to the earth for letting me learn to radiate

For what got me here
And what will get me
there.

For giving me a strong sturdy ground
to jump from

Peace arrives
on a warm breeze...


And I inhale.


~ V.A.S., 2018

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limitless potential.

Welp, here are some random scraps that I jotted down here to reflect on later... rather than reflect, I shall let them speak for themselves. Happy

POTENTIAL. The opportunity to explore our limitless potential. Happy Blog! I'm excited!
Haha, classic Val starter excitement and closing problem! I will leave this here as a placeholder for me to come back and explore this idea further, because it sounds really cool to write about. For now what I will say is, I get these little glimpses of what a heart wide open, best and most conscious life lived might be like. They are electric jolts and shivers down my body, the tingles, felt in a location visited, time with an inspiring kindred spirit, in the flow doing something I love. There is some sort of block to accessing this place fully, and certainly not all the time... like if I'm fully realized... then what? Kind of thing. That might be the block.

But why not do a lot more of the things I love to do? On purpose, intentionally? Because they are not happening on autopilot and habit. I need to make it a practice to incorporate more awesome and fun and satisfying things into my schedule on a regular basis. I'm the only one who can do it!

And, from some girl(s) movie: 

“The shitty part for the other people in your life is no matter how painful it is for them, when you’re a writer, you just can’t let shit go, you have to study it, and poke it, turn it over and investigate it incessantly..." Oh so true!!

For me, its about finding relational order with everything in my life, a term shared with me by my previous naturopath doctor, who we affectionately call PhD dude- he suggested that I need to have relational order, and how it is tied to science of who we are as a person, and that I won't stop until I get there, much to the chagrin of the normies in my life...


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"getting organized."

I remember talking to my Dad on the phone when I was away at college, and whenever he asked me what I was doing, the answer was usually "organizing" or getting organized" - you can ask him. Happy I'm still at it! After examining my values through a tool we have where I work called Values Explorer, I know that 2 things I always value are knowledge and wisdom, so that seems to be part of it- I've been hoarding bits of knowledge for decades now, organizing it, and then eventually planning to share it I suppose with the world, and at the least use it to make me a more effective, directed individual.

I think it also explains why I have a hard time getting rid of these kinds of things, such as books, newspapers, informational articles, resources, etc. because I value them so. I know some people who couldn't be more opposite in this regard, and they value other things more. For me, there is always something to do, something to learn, something to discover. I could remain in this house for the rest of my days and I wouldn't be able to read all that is currently in my possession. That's something, seeing as I'm still in my 30's... Laugh

I'm learning the balance now of amassing and digesting knowledge, and then releasing it, to move on to the next thing. So much is constantly changing and improving anyway that it is hard for any of these things to remain static. There are some classics that just are, of course, or sentimental. But other knowledge is time and date sensitive, and there's always new material being generated. For someone who values this stuff so highly, this can create quite a tension and stress, trying to keep up with it all and not wanting to lose the history of the old. I definitely resemble many professors I know in this respect. Knowledge is power. Wisdom is a goal. But if you have so much of it that it becomes difficult to meander lightly through life, its time to lighten the load.

A friend was talking last night about how the internet available at any moment to us has changed our learning and existence, in that kids don't feel they have to learn as much any more, because they can just look it up. That was an odd concept to consider. It's both freeing and frightening. The thought of our brains atrophying because we no longer seek to learn, just look up. Perhaps different skills are being harnessed in this technological era (I hope). A mantra that comes to mind often for me when considering this work is from a Be Good Tanyas song:
Keep it Light Enough to Travel. Ultimately, I'd rather absorb and process what I can and store it in my mind, and release the rest so that things can flow on, but I know this struggle will always be one I wrestle with. For now, I'm working to trust as much as I'm able to technological archiving and sharing sites such as Pinterest, and then my electronic filing, which basically is a black hole that I am 99% sure I will never look at again. Old school paper sometimes is more in your face, tangible, and accessible, especially after spending most of the day on a computer - I just am not very inspired to do it at home as well.

I'm down to 2 (admittedly very large) bookcases, 4 filing cabinets, 2 closets,
1 dresser/console, and 1 trunk of books/paper Happy
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val's in da house

So, it's back to the house. Teresa, my friend of almost 10 years (gulp- cannot believe it has been this long!!), and her beautiful daughter Skyler, have resurfaced in my life at an opportune time. They are thoughtful, funny, caring, hardworking and dedicated to a fault. Where I flounder and freak out in overwhelm, Teresa lays down the law and "gets it done." She is hardcore and actually accomplishes things and moves forward in life- what a concept! Laugh

For those of us that are Ns (iNtuiton in the Myers Briggs type indicator), we envy these results-oriented Sensing types. They DO things and are known as the masters of action and implementation, out there living life, whereas iNtuitives are more abstract in their worlds of ideas and reflection, and we may take F-O-R-E-V-E-R to actually do anything concrete... and may not realize it because being in our heads, making connections and philosophizing feels like doing something to us! Being pushed into motion feels exhilarating to people like me and I highly value the support of my friends, and the other fellow Ss in my life (my Mom and Grandma), even though we spar over this key functional difference sometimes of course.

Thanks to Teresa and Skyler, I am in motion again after a longer than I would have liked hiatus. We tackled ONE drawer, and then cleaned up and restored the place to previous order. Definitely not the way I would have worked if I was running the show, so I was very grateful for some guidance to keep me in check! It's great to have a team - Skyler very quickly shred a ton of old bills and statements, put things to keep in clear plastic sleeves, and filed folders. Teresa challenged me on items that I might have contemplated keeping, (mostly things years old that I haven't read, probably never will, and that are only making me feel guilty- what's the point of continuing to lug that shit around?) with "It's 2014 Valerie!"

Huh. You know, clearly, as strange as it sounds, I do not yet have a grasp of year or decade. It's that Rip Van Winkle syndrome thing I have from feeling like I've missed years of time due to survivor mode illness- I just feel like it's earlier than it is. This process makes me feel good because it gets me one step closer to the present, which is the real gift. Punny but true! We also made lists so I can cross off the drawers/boxes/bins/cubbies as I clear them, and celebrate my progress catching up! Incredibly, in doing just one drawer we uncovered some important and very relevant writings and other finds that will help support me on my next steps.

Goodbye 1997 John Cusack! It's been a great 17 years...
(I can't believe I got this when I was 19!! Now that feels like a long time ago...)
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Waking Life (Richard Linklater) movie rental, 2004.

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Super efficient filer and shredder Skyler at work
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1 drawer cleared= 1 bag of shredding and 5+ pounds recycling!
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the world is changed...

This first line of the book!:

"You put two things together that have not been put together before. And the world is changed. People may not notice at the time, but that doesn't matter. The world has been changed nonetheless."

"We live on the flat, on the level, and yet--and so--we aspire. Groundlings, we can sometimes reach as far as the gods. Some soar with art, others with religion; most with love. But when we soar, we can also crash. There are few soft landings. We may find ourselves bouncing across the ground with leg-fracturing force, dragged towards some foreign railway line. Every love story is a potential grief story. If not at first, then later. If not for one, then for the other. Sometimes, for both.

So why do we constantly aspire to love? Because love is the meeting point of truth and magic. Truth, as in photography; magic, as in ballooning."

~ From Levels of Life, By Julian Barnes
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1st episode.

Good evening/morning. I don’t know where to begin, except to begin, again... even though I’m starting now, it’s again because lots has come before but for various reasons has not made it to publish land. I bought a website with my name on it years ago, then thought better of sharing my gory life story on it for the whole world to see, so then bought this domain to spill the beans on instead. The about page will have more insight into the choice for this site... while the primary goal for this friendly cyber world of mine (never ever in a million years thought I would ever say I would have a cyber world!) is to share my voice with you.

For some reason I equate futuristic tech stuff with coldness, and since I am far from cold always distanced myself from this kind of thing. I know my world, cyber or otherwise will be a break from the norm in this respect. Anyhoo, back to the primary reason for starting this -- surviving and thriving with a chronic illness.

One way I procrastinate from progressing on this project is to allow myself to be overcome with feeling cliché about this endeavor, i.e. everyone writes their sob stories and we are over-saturated with this kind of stuff, etc. etc. but by doing this, I effectively deny MY voice. And that, I am finally beginning to realize, has been a shame. Because I have a lot to share. Regardless of who is touched by it, and even if I’m the only one who reads it, on here or in print or some other form-- it will still be of great cathartic benefit to me.

So for that reason alone, I must press on. Even if it takes me a century. Which is something that I like to beat myself up about; not cool! Moving in the right direction feels a hell of a lot better than sitting still these days, and so I shall ride on the back of friend-propelled momentum, and see where this takes me!

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This is a warm fuzzy! You pull a string out of it and give to someone else, along with a hug Happy I believe in the power of hugs! The saying goes- we need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 for maintenance, and 12 for growth!
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